Captain Douchebag

10 11 2008

I’m currently talking to a friend online and our conversation somehow veered to Flavor Flav and how much of a douchebag he is because there is no point to him being in the public eye. He’s just some old ex-rapper who wants lovin’.

But don’t worry, this entry is not all about Flavor Flav.
It’s about another douchebag who has no point to being in existence – Captain Planet.

Now, anyone who knows me knows I have a soft place in my heart for superheroes. They’re quite awesome. And pretty to look at. Probably nice to huggle as well. But Captain Planet…not so much.

In fact, not at all.

First of all, the man is the color of toothpaste for no reason. And he styles his seaweed-colored hair into a mullet, also for no reason. And not even a good mullet, either. It’s the kind of mullet that looks like he let his hair grow out, then accidentally fell asleep on the front lawn while his dad mowed over it.

I guess maybe he’s suppose to look like earth? Cause that’s all he saves?

But does Batman only save bats? Does Spider-Man only save spiders? NO. They dress up they way they do to induce fear.

Toothpaste skin and a seaweed mullet does not induce fear. It induces laughter. Lots of it.

I suppose we can look past his horrid appearance, though. What if he had no control over it? That’s just the way he looks. I mean, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

So let’s delve a little deeper into the mind of this douchebag. How about his motto. The words he lives by:

“The power…is YOURS!”



If the power is mine…WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?! I could freaking do it myself! Is your sole purpose in this world just to remind me that the power you supposedly possess is actually mine?

I think it is. Which is why I think you’re a douchebag, Captain Planet.

And I’m not done yet. This is probably my most solid proof of the captain’s douche-ness.

The man is apparently working to save the earth, keep it clean and such (as I already said, his appearance pretty much gives that completely way). He fights (or goes floatin’ around, telling us WE have the power to fight) pollution.

And what’s the “superhero’s” only weakness?

That’s right. POLLUTION.

How in the CRAP do you expect to defeat something…when it is your WEAKNESS?! That’s like Superman devoting his life to collecting kryptonite or Aquaman being a mountain climber.

So, my dear Captain Planet, I hope you can see how lame you are. I mean…first you give yourself a terrible makeover, then you admit to people that you really don’t have much power at all, and that you have even LESS power against the one thing you’ve devoted your life to eliminating.

I’m almost positive a simple billboard on a highway that says “DON’T POLLUTE” could replace you at this point.

You should probably consider a new approach at crimefighting if you’re really dead set on being a superhero. Maybe one that actually includes…you know…CRIME…and FIGHTING.

I know I can pick up my own trash without you weakly hovering overhead, reminding me that I can.