A Happy Blog About Ponies

25 03 2011

I am extremely sleep-deprived. My friend told me to write a happy blog about ponies. So I am.

There once was a pony named Sam. Sam was a bit of a depressed pony. The other bits of him were from more mentally stable ponies. Cause, you see, Sam was a Frankenstein pony.

Long long (which probably means about 4 – 5 years) ago, Dr. Frankenstein was almost on his deathbed. He knew he’d failed miserably at creating a Frankenstein monster, and his whole life since then had been filled with loneliness and regret. He wished he’d created something better. Something that would actually make a difference.

So that’s when he sewed together the parts of dead tiny horses and made Sam – the Frankenstein pony. Sam ended up being pretty much the same as the doctor’s first experiment, minus all the murders, so Frankenstein basically died of a lonely heart and a sense that his whole life had been completely fucked up and pointless.

But anyway, Sam lived in a field.

He didn’t particularly enjoy being in the field, and not just because his depressed bit was constantly depressed about everything. Mostly just because fields were BORING.

So one day he began to dig a hole in the ground.

He dug all the way to China, because I’ve always been told that if you dig a hole through the earth, you’ll get to China.

Sam LOVED China. It was big and full of buildings and people. Like the opposite of a field.

He liked clomping through the streets and looking at stuff. Cause, really, what else a pony going to do? It’s a freakin’ pony. Sure, he ate food and pooped a lot too, but who cares?

ANYWAY

So after a while, the people of China became a little concerned that there was an undead pony running loose in their streets. Several tried to capture him, but Sam had this little quirk about him where if you touched him, he’d bite your face off. It was a little unfortunate if someone tried to touch him who he quite liked from a distance, but there was really nothing he could do about it; it was just a reflex.

After about two or three months, Sam succeeded in single-handedly driving everyone of the small Chinese town he’d inhabited.

This made Sam sad. China was starting to remind him of a field.

THEN ONE DAY, Sam’s dreams came true.

Well, not really. Cause he didn’t really have any dreams or aspirations. It’s just a figure of speech, you know what I mean.

This girl horse came into town. Apparently she’d dug a hole up from the other side of the United States and was coming to China for a better life for her family. It kind of didn’t make sense because she’d belonged to a really rich couple in New Mexico and she hadn’t seen any member of her family since she was like one and sold at an auction. But still, it’s the thought that counts.

Oh, and her name was Penelope.

Sam loved her instantly. Penelope thought he smelled terrible and was scared of him.

Sam chased her around the deserted streets of Topaz (this is the name of the made up Chinese town they both now lived in), asking for her hoof in marriage. Penelope repeatedly informed him that ponies don’t get married and he should go die. Sam never replied to this statement because he was afraid of telling her the truth – he was undead and could never die.

One day though, Sam just couldn’t take it anymore and he told her the truth. Penelope said, “Wow. Seriously? I know. Your ass is eroding.”

Sam looked at his ass. It was indeed eroding.

“Fuddlesticks,” Sam said to himself.

After about ten more years of their bantering back and forth, Penelope finally agreed to go on a date. It was awkward and ended with Penelope tripping and falling down some stairs. Sam spent the next two years learning how to lock a door, then locked himself in a closet and waited for his body and broken, broken pony-heart to completely erode to death.

But suddenly, a fairy appeared on the ceiling of the closet. She informed him that everything he’d done with Penelope was just a test to see if he could handle real life and its hardships. She said he lost a couple points for chosing to live the rest of his live in a closet instead of move on after she’d died, but that the Fairy King was a pretty laid-back guy and was willing to let that slide.

The fairy jabbed him in the side with her wand and he magically turned into a normal, pretty pony who would never ever bite your face off if you touched him.

Unless you were being a real asshole.

Sam lived a long and happy life and died with over a hundred and twenty-six grandchildren.

The end.